Date: 23 May 2012 0 Comment Life Posted by: pbengtson
I’ve had some hard lessons to learn about transference on me these past few weeks. Transference is the redirection of feelings needs and desires, and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood, toward a new object, oftentimes a therapist, counselor or teacher. What we didn’t get as a kid, we transfer that desire onto someone else. It comes with the territory in the work that I do. It has been showing up for me over and over again, not just with clients, but with acquaintances, friends and family. I’m fully aware that there is a lesson in there for me, as there always is!
When we transfer our need onto someone else, it oftentimes puts an unreal expectation on that relationship. When people see me as a spiritual teacher, they transfer their definition of that onto me and often are disappointed when I behave like a human being, which is what I am. I am no different than anyone else in the world. I feel pain. I get stuck in old habits. I laugh, I cry and I have many lessons still to learn in this lifetime. Like everyone else in the world, I’m doing the best that I can with the tools that I currently have at EVERY GIVEN MOMENT. The reality is, what else could I be doing?
I understand the transference process. I see it happening and I too have been guilty of it. The challenge is accepting everyone as they are, and where they are, on their path.
Take a look at the expectations of others that you have created in your life. Are you transfering your belief or expectation of what that person should be onto them and then you’re disappointed when they don’t behave the way you expected? Do you have a belief system of what a mother should be, and then you’re disappointed when your mother doesn’t act that way? The same goes for your spouse, your siblings, your kids and your boss. We thrive on the latest dish in the tabloids, then we are shocked by what our favorite celebrity got caught doing. It even happens with a simple energy exchange with the clerk at the grocery store. When you find yourself describing your situation and using the word SHOULD a lot, that would be a sign to take a closer look at what you are expecting. It is not up to other people to live up to your expectation of them. Mind your own business and step into your own life. Let’s all just be who we are and recognize that being human comes with its own set of challenges.
Love yourself so you can love others at a greater capacity. Recognize that we are all ONE. When we get to the other side, none of the stuff we spent hours agonizing over and thought was so important really matters.